Citizen’s Man Card Revoked After Turkey Holds Him Hostage

trappeddddsmall turkey

Citizen’s Man Card Revoked After Turkey Holds Him Hostage

Davis, California – Wild Turkeys roam the community of Davis harassing residents, mostly just following people around, and the citizens are very concerned.

Davis, home of the University of California, Davis, has a turkey problem. Turkeys all over town are maliciously following people. Sometimes the turkeys stare menacingly at the residents of Davis, intimidating them into calling the police.

One unnamed man called 911 after a turkey violently stood in front of him, blocking his path.

In the 911 tapes the man can be heard saying “There is a turkey here that won’t let me leave, he’s put me in a corner and I can’t exactly go anywhere. I can’t leave. It’s just standing there. ”

Ah, the 10 pound flightless bird versus a grown ass man dilemma.

The 911 operator, who is audibly face-palming, asks “has it tried to attack you?”

“It’s standing right here. It keeps getting closer. I can’t do anything” replies the helpless man.

It is unknown as to what happened after that, the Turkey probably killed the man. Or he figured out that he could just walk around it or kick it.

The current population of wild turkeys around Davis is right at 80. According to the Sacramento Bee, the city is wanting to keep it right around that number by using a four-step plan:

“It includes discouraging residents from feeding the birds, mass capture and relocation, promoting natural predators such as foxes and coyotes, and “selective lethal removal” of overly aggressive turkeys – perhaps killing them while they’re roosting at night.”

An open letter to Davis, California,

The turkey problem in your town has become so severe that grown men are being trapped by single turkeys. According to the council people who make decisions for your fine city, the “turkey relocation” plan that has been proposed will cost taxpayers $20,500 in the first year. I have an alternate proposal. I will remove your turkey problem completely within 1-2 weeks while simultaneously feeding all homeless people in the area. I will use my own equipment (that is California legal) and I will only require room and board, along with a case of Wild Turkey Kentucky Bourbon.

Thank you for your time,


We recreated the harrowing incident below: