Police Chief Vows to Hire White Officers to Combat Racial Disparity

The Coal City Police Chief is hiring white officers to combat racial disparity.

Satire: Coal City Chief To Hire White Officers To Combat Racial Disparity

COAL CITY – Coal City Police Chief Collin Turner surprised many at last night’s city council meeting when he announced that he intended to hire only white officers to fill the department’s vacant position.

“Coal City’s population is almost all white,” Turner explained, “yet three of our six patrol officers are racial minorities. One of our white officers plans to retire in one month. This has left most of our population underrepresented.”

2010 US Census data shows that Coal City’s population is 97% White. Coal City only has only one black resident; he is one of the city’s Police Officers. In one more month, only 40% of the remaining patrol officers will be white.

Turner went on to explain that events in Ferguson, MO have put racial disparity in the national spotlight. In Ferguson, a heavily armed white police officer executed an unarmed black man for jaywalking. “If we don’t want lawsuits and the DOJ breathing down our necks, then we need to take proactive steps to combat this serious issue.”

Councilman Garrett Dwaine questioned if this actually was a serious issue, or just fabricated by the media. Turner’s response was immediate, “Absolutely this is a serious issue. Our own statistics show that white residents are over one thousand times more likely to be stopped or arrested by our officers than our black residents. Those statistics speak for themselves.”

The new hiring plan resulted in some changes to the hiring rules. Previously the city tested applicants and hired based off of the “rule of three.” This allowed the Chief to hire any one of the top three scoring applicants in order to fill a vacant position.

Lead Civil Service Examiner, Levi Johnson, got up to explain the challenges involved with the old system, “Basically, what happened last round of hiring is that the top three scoring applicants were all Asian, which resulted in us hiring an Asian officer. We can’t risk a repeat of that, so we are implementing the ‘rule of ten’ to give the Chief more discretion. We are confident that anybody in the top ten will still be qualified.”

At the end of the meeting, the Council applauded Chief Turner for his leadership in fighting discrimination.